Sunday, 28 April 2013

The Healing Continues

Something that is vastly underestimated following injury is the psychological impact. For weeks after my injury I had flashbacks and nightmares that were so real I felt the same nausea I felt when I ruined my ankle. Because of these flashbacks, I started to remember more and more about the injury itself. I knew what had happened but I don’t think I really experienced it. After all, your body is very good at kicking in and preventing you from feeling pain in such situations. In all honestly while I was lying on the floor after it happened, I only knew I was really hurt because I felt that familiar warmth of blood rushing to the site of the injury. As I started to remember more, I realised why I had made my coaches feel so ill while I was mid-fall. Sorry but it gets a bit disgusting here!! I had previously thought that I hadn't heard anything break like the clean audible “snap” noise when I did my first break. No, I heard a crunching, grinding noise, which I had previously attributed to my wheels but now knew that it was, in fact, the various components of my ankle being torn apart.

I still have these nightmares and flashbacks, which to me, seems somewhat of an overreaction on my part, but it is what it is. I am managing them better, but they are still there. I still feel my stomach turning when I see a skater dragging their foot, as I know better than most how weak ankles can be at times. Some things do help, I got a beautiful tattoo on my left shin as a distraction from the scars and a way of dealing with the whole situation. Whenever I look at it, it reminds me of a few things. Not just the injury, but how far I actually came on skates. From not being able to stand up, I managed to jump, skate with others, and even some contact. More importantly, it reminds me that despite a shitty situation, something beautiful can me made.

Looking beyond the injury itself, I do still yearn to be on eight wheels again. I've had to stay away from our Saturday (beginners and intermediate) training sessions because a lot of the time it is simply too hard to watch. Cherry popper games can be especially hard to watch. I was so close so getting the last few things ticked off my skills sheet and finally getting my chance to bout and now that’ll never happen. Honestly, there are times when I think a year is enough and it’s time to get back on my skates (well, borrow some given that I sold mine!) but then my ankle jars and reminds me of the damage that’ been done to it.

Honestly I don’t know whether getting back on my wheels will ever happen, or what roller derby has in store for me in general but the healing process is continuing, inside and out.

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